Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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