The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize