Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
