Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
