every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
