The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize