Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
