The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
