FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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