you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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