I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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