i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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