idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
