oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
