I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
