The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
