I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
