Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
