I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
