We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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