you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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