Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
