My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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