You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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