I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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