This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
