apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
