I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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