My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize