So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
