my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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