I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
