i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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