the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Everyone says I win the strip club
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
