i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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