Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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