i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
