have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
