Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
