I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
