Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
