were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
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