I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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