If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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