Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
