Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
