Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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