the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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