Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
