I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize