I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
