Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
