Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
