Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
