There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
