Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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