Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You pole danced in your parka.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
