Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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