My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
