From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
