someone owes me an orgasm
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
