I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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